Trinidad
Trinidad was sitting under a tree on Wilshire between Cochran and Dunsmuir, engrossed in the LA Times. He looked up as I approached him, and I only had to say, "Hey, how's it going?" for him to open up his life to me. He told me about witnessing the violence of the L.A. riots just after moving here, the things he has found digging through trash for cans, and the time he cried after reading about his own brother's death by drugs in the newspaper. He talked to me without pause for two hours until I was almost late for work.
Over and over he reflected that the choices he made in his youth were the cause of his current suffering. But I wonder what other choices a 13 year old boy could have made, while surrounded by family and peers deep in drugs and organized crime?
And why must he still suffer for these choices?
" I know as time goes by all the things that I’ve been going through, and now that I’m sober I keep track of it ‘cause I know it’s my life.
And now that I’m fading away, and aging,
and I see my minds goin’, and I’m feeling weaker like I can’t keep going, and I rely on bike. "
" See, I could tell you a lot. I’ve been around, babe.
I could tell you some stories. But see the streets,
you know what they did to me?
They’re my school and cell.
They taught me a lot. Right from wrong.
And I think that broke me there in a lot of ways. "
" I almost OD’d three times. Check it out….
When somebody OD’s you put water on ‘em.
And ice. But you know what the kick is? A syringe with salt water. You mainline it and it’ll clean the blood and you’ll get back up.
Call an ambulance? Bullshit. "
" [I did] heroin since I was a kid. At least 12. See, it’s bad influences. And how you grow up. The way we were raised, man… But all my friends O.D.’d… I was tiny. I just wanted to get high. "
" I grew up with [my friend] Horse. I knew all his sisters, his brothers, everybody. It’s a big family.
And this sucker’s in prison. He never made it out, and then he made it out, and he died.
He was in for a bunch of shit. And I don’t blame him. All his young life on drugs. And he called me from prison. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to see him,
man, cause he’d been in there all his life.
Could you imagine all them years he spent?
Locked away? "
" I used to be strong. I used to dose a lot.
Used to speed bump. Heroin and coke.
You have to be careful when you speed bump.
It could be your last shot. And I was taught about that. Don’t take too much, and don’t be greedy.
See, I knew my measures.
Heroin… You just want more. It’s the best high in the world. When it’s good, it’s good. "
" Me and my older brother put [mom] in hell. When I got out [after 9 years in prison],
I was 20 something, and she said:
‘You’re probably going to go back.’
I was 13 when I started doin’ time.
I grew up in the hood with my homeboy Horse and all them dealers doing shit. We used to pull armed robberies. We did a lot of shit.
But it’s the wrong influences. I was a young kid. See, we didn’t know better. It’s bad influences but see, I grew up like that. And now I look back and say: “Damn. You could’ve gotten killed.
Or a lot more time in prison.”
And I see all my homeboys dying of heroin.
And I look back, shit. I’m glad I didn’t die. "
" I needed to go to AA.
They picked me up on the corner. See, there’s a lot of shit that goes on here in L.A.
That time I was with a beer and this van pulls up all ‘Hey, you wanna go to this rehab?’
I was hungry and I was tired and I was totaled. You should’ve seen me. I didn’t want to talk to no one. All I cared about was a jug of booze…
What made me change was all those fools in there,
‘I been recovering 10 years’,
‘I been 5 years and I’m trying to move forward’
and you see it. And you testify too. It’s like going to class. It’s therapy…. And they’re nice…. "
I‘m 55. And you know what I get now?
Dizzy spells. Like I start blurring out. Now that I’m sober I’m reaping what I sow.
And the nightmares. See, you don’t know me.
I get up at 2am, I hop on my bike, and I go for a coffee at 2am in the dark…
One night I caught myself yelling. “Aaaaah”
It’s been haunting me for 4 or 5 years.
" I forget things, I get nightmares, and I get anger spells, and I can’t control it. I want to seek professional help. Stress, I don’t know what it is. I miss my mom. I don’t know, maybe I just haven’t been around people in a long time. But that’s not the point. I want to see my mom. That’s normal, right? You want to be with your family, right? That’s normal for a person, right? "
" You know when I go to sleep, babe,
and I curl up, and I’m afraid.
See, that’s a frightening spirit. I’m gonna dream nightmares tonight.
And I go, ‘I’d like to get high and forget about it,’ but that’s being chicken shit.
I used to do that. Run away from my problems. "
" Everybody’s good people, you know. It’s your influences. And what you do and how you do it.
I say I reap what I sow.
Don’t you think so? "
